Marriage, What?

Okay, relationships, long term relationships and  marriage.  My other half and I have been together for 11 years this December and married 6 this May (gasp- my daughter is 7 and a half, yes, we had her out of "wedlock").  Marriage is funny, I think because we come into relationships with expectations.  We think, oh I should do this and they should do that.  I guess if I had to describe how I used to feel it would be like this: Life would carry this special magic wand that says, "Don't worry, it will be a fairytale."  We think that just because we fell in love with someone that it will have this easy breezy way about it.  (Ever seen Enchanted?)  I am by no means saying love, life, or anything of the such cannot be a fairytale but a fairytale life takes work.

Marriage is work, long term relationships require work. A full time job plus more.  Learning how to talk, how to communicate, how to listen.  We both come with this idea of; you know what, I am right, so there.  We think that love is just something that happened not something that we have to work at to keep alive.  The key to being in a happy relationship I think is this clue right here: work.  Life usually just doesn't walk around handing out winning lotto tickets.  Lord have mercy, it doesn't even let most of us buy a winning lotto ticket!

Everyone walks through good times and bad times with their significant other.  I think sometimes we forget that just because we walk through something difficult does not mean that we need to be ashamed or pretend like we did not walk through it.  There is this weird pressure, not sure if I would call it peer pressure but there is this marriage pressure out there. Who has it perfect?  Who had the best wedding?  Who had the most expensive, most glamorous wedding?  Who looks adoooorrabbblllleeee together? Who has the best house? The best cars? It seems so appearance based and superficial.  Do you look the part?  Can you act the part? The problem with marriage is that it is not a page out the Vanity Fare, or the Cosmo, or the bride(zilla) mag you are currently reading.  Marriage is this force, this life all is its own. To say I do for the rest of my life, the rest of your life is something is that is down right amazing.  When we are young -and dumb- I don't think we have the capability to grasp this concept. 

I am now at the age where I am kinda shocked that I am here.  Seriously. I am 30?  No, that's not right.  My daughter will be 8 this year - hold up.  How in the heck did that even happen??  But you know what I am 30 and so much wiser (obviously with some room still to grow). I see the life that my other half and I have lived together and realize the places we have been and where our life can go.  Has it been an easy ride? Has it always been fun? Um, no.  But do I think that we can make it through? Absolutely and I think our life will be wonderful because we have each other.  What better thing then to be able to look at each other and say "Through it all, we stuck together."  The good, bad, ugly, beautiful, worse, wonderful.  When it is astounding, when we are struggling we still choose to stick together because together we are so much more then we are apart. 

Life isn't always rainbows and walks on the beach (unless maybe you are born with that shiny silver spoon in your mouth but then that's still up for debate another day and another time). We have to work and work hard for the things we want in life.  We have to fight to make relationships a priority, to make them fun, to make them safe, to make them spontaneous. 

I am closing this memory page with a few pictures of my wedding day, which I do have to say was one of the most fun experiences of my life.  We did our wedding our way, in our own time.  When I sit back and think about it, it makes me smile and wish we could do it all over again.  I don't think I would change a thing, our wedding wasn't perfect.  We were married by what my husband calls the "cattle caller" and there was this amazingly grouchy woman who yelled "PLEASE RISE FOR THE BRIDE" in the most horrible voice you could ever imagine.  My blue flowers, the chapel promised me, were spray painted blue and reeked.  They were also doing some sort of remodel on the building the day we got married.  When Brian and I cut our wedding cake, we both realized that we never discussed what we would do and assumed the other was smashing cake in our face.  So guess what?  You can see the picture below for yourself!

Our wedding wasn't perfect but you know what, in the same aspect it was.  It was exactly what it needed to be, a reminder that who really cares? Am I really going to get hung up on something so silly?  What matters was and still is that we were there together and we were in it for the long haul. For better or worse I look forward to many years to come.

In the limo driving to the court house for our marriage license. We only had Red Bull no champagne. But we still toasted!

I think this is where I got the hands mixed up.

Look out our faces... such a wonderful moment!

Probably the only thing I have kept secret from my husband, that Elvis was going to sing at our wedding!

This is a cute kiss, but I really put the picture up in reference to my blue flowers!

My baby girl, she was a serious kisser.

Yeah, we look so innocent.

This is what happen when you clearly do not discuss what you are going to do when you cut the cake!

Vegas Baby!  We will forever feel a profound love and connection to Las Vegas!

Pizza Making, walks and playground days

I have gotten to spend so much wonderful time with my "two little ones". They, however, are not so little anymore. I think I am going to have a hard time trying to stop calling them that. Its been so nice to see the progression in their relationship, the constant fighting over ridiculous stuff to now they barely ever fight.  They actually play together, hold hands even without the urge of knocking the other one out.  They are not twins, but sometimes I feel like they might as well be with just having a little over a year difference between them.

The end of March is coming and the last few days have been decent (when I say decent I mean high 30s if we are lucky, mid 40s).  We have gone on a few walks and finally played on the playground.  This morning after we dropped H off at school, Bryce was begging me to go to the playground.  When I said no to the playground, he wanted to get pizza, when I said no to the pizza he begged for his Papa Nick.  All my kiddos have a profound love for my parents, they have this connection with them that goes beyond anything I can describe.

Here are a few pictures to remember some moments we have had and to give us something positive to look forward to tomorrow... bright, sunshiny days ahead.

Bowling with the Bunny

I love when we can find fun things to do with our kiddos at a very appropriate price.  Our local bowling alley had Bowling with the Bunny. The kids got to do glow in the dark bowling, got pictures with the (semi-creepy) bunny, pizza and pop.  Bryce is obsessed with bowling and he is pretty good at it to, his first game he was pretty close to 100 and the majority of his balls did not even need assistance from the bumpers.  Haley's first game was 115 and Emilys?  Well she is all over the place and was more concerned with dancing around and quote "shaking her butt" then about actually bowling, the world is her stage- yes, even at the bowling alley.

Emily's favorite part of the day "I loved the big bowling pin.  I do not understand how he can see.  That was craaaazzy."  (There was a giant bowling pin walking around with the bunny, pic will be posted below)

Haley's favorite part of the day; I am sure it was leaving to go spend the night with her Nana Cindy and Papa Dennis.

It was very nice to to have the kids grandparents there!  The kids always love to see them.  We are a very lucky family to have grandparents that care so much about our little munchkins. 

Life, so sacred.

 

Life, So Sacred.

There is a plan, there has to be a plan, there has to be a reason that you are you and I am me. You are you to tackle the world, to meet the person you bump into at the grocery store, to stop and look at the beautiful sky or smell the red, red roses.  I am me to see the world through my eyes, to do the things I am supposed to do.  You are you because if the world was just full of me's there would be no beauty, no excitement, no joy.  I am meant to live my life, just as you meant to live yours, a life that is sacred, a life to be lived for a purpose and with a reason.  

Brown hair, purple hair, green eyes, brown eyes.  Glasses, braces, tall, short, skinny, fat. What are you?  You are you and for a reason you wake up everyday to see that person looking back at you in the mirror.  There is not one of us that breathes for no purpose.  The glamor shots of the world are not reality, do be fooled.  Do not think that the person you pass has a better purpose, and please do not think that someone else has  higher purpose than you.  You bring to the table something that I could never offer.  You bring perspective, enlightenment and change.  On your darkest of days remember there is no one who can be you, replace you, or do what you are supposed to do.


Bad days, good days, wonderful amazing days.  There is always a day, there is always today and tomorrow.  There is always a solution to be found, there is always someone to listen, to lend a hand to get you through the darkest of days.  There is always you to make it through those days so you can be the same to a stranger, your mother, brother, or neighbor.  You wake up and put one foot in front of the other, you make it through because you have to know.  You have to realize that I can never be you.  Your life is sacred and  your life is meant to be.

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Ever Changing World View

Evolve, Evolution, Changing, Revolving, Moving.  Living my life requires me to not stand still, I cannot pick a spot and draw a box around me and say this is it, this is me, I am not going anywhere.  There is not one version of my life,  there is the version that I chose when I wake up in the morning, 365 days a year.  What will today be?  What will I be? Who will I be? 

I used to have this opinion that life is one way and could never step off that line, to be honest I still fight this awkward current that runs through my body, that there is just the ONE path for me. I call this current tunnel vision, the impossibility that there is more than what my narrow mind could ever comprehend.  Changing my view point on the world was a long drawn out process and to be honest, its a view point that is still changing.  I read the news, or hear a story that makes me see the universe in whole new perspective. The only story I know inside and out is my own, it is not my place (and I have to remind myself of this constantly) to look at the person down the street and say what I would do is better, more right, or less wrong than what they are doing.  The only thing I am responsible for is my life and what I choose.

I believe in equality, respect and love for all man-kind, not just the ones who look like me.  I am not better than my neighbor, and my neighbor is not better than me.  We are all people, human beings that struggle every day to make the choices to bring us closer to the place we want to be.  Your house does not make you, your church does not make you, you car, your dog, your work...  You make you.  There is no hope for mankind, until that personal responsibility somehow works it way into our minds.  The personal responsibility of  what do I have to offer, what can I give, who can I be, what can I do?  Personal responsibility is not about what books you have read, how many plastic cups you recycle, how many church services you attend, etc. Personal responsibility is taking your actions and being accountable for them.

If you have the capability of love and do not offer it, if you have the capability of change but do not do it, if you have the capability of offering respect and do not give it where do you land?  Evolving is part of life. Changing is part of life.  Supposedly as we grow older, we grow wiser.  I think sometimes as we grow older, we grow more stubborn, impatient, and unforgiving. 

As we grow up we forget the wisdom of children: my kids fight, I force them to hug and apologize, they do, they move on. They wake up every morning with a new look on life, the oohing and ahhing over the garbage truck, how amazing the snow plow truck is, today I am an artist tomorrow I may be a writer, I am a poet because I said I am.  I am a singer because I picked up the barbie keyboard and decided that is what I am.

Granted as we age, situations become complicated and sometimes more complex then our brains can work through however, if we break it down in simple terms of love, care and respect, what excuse do we have? Its hard to look at life simply, to take out the complicated feelings, to look at the world and see AMAZING things in a "messy painting" or a "poem" that is barely legible.  Life can weird, sad, hard to understand lets not make it harder but having to be the one to prove I am more right, more better, more perfect than you.

Em's day with Nana Cindy

Miss Emmy got to have a special night with her Nana Cindy.  She was excited to spend some much needed qt with her.  Em asked me all Monday morning (litterally about every 15 minutes), "When is Nana going to call?"  "When is Nana going to pick me up?"

In Em's words this was her adventure:

Nana put me in her car, she driveded and we went to her house.  We ate bahspagettios with fries and chicken, ranch and ketchup. It was amazing.  We watched a dancing and singing show but they did not sing only danced to songs like Taylor Swift.  These dancers were like princesses.  Nana blew up the blow up bed for me to sleep on. Nana slept next to me and she hogged the bed.  I wakeded up in the morning and ate waffles and another waffle. I watched bubble guppies and Nana painted my nails and did my hair.  The best was getting in Nana's car and we drove to Big Boys and I got bahspagetti and ice cream.  It was really cool to spend time with my Nana. Please tell her that I love her.

Emmy cannot wait for the next time to spend some special time with Nana.  She told me on the way home that "It was a really cool party mom.  But next time I go I want to bring some crafts so Nana will do crafts with me. And I will bring Bryce and Haley." 

Em's Vaca with her Nana

Em had an amazing opportunity last month to go on a long weekend/vacation with Nana Desiree.  She got to ride the train to Chicago and go to museums and hang out with another little girl her age with out her brother and sister there. I was more than happy to let Em have this experience and I know it will be one that she remembers forever.  Emily even came home with a her favorite stuffed animal, a bald eagle! They even brought dinosaur eggs home so the kids could watch them hatch out of the shells.

This is what Miss Emily had to say about her wonderful trip:

How was your vacation:  It was really great and really fun.
Who did go with:  Nana Desiree
How did you get there: I went on a train, on the train I had a table and I got to color.  It was a really long ride and and like 50 million feet tall.  There were a lot of people on the train and this guy kept looking at me so I looked back at him and smiled.  Nana and I walked on the train to get a bagel and that was really really great too.
Favorite part about vacation: seeing my friend because she is fast talking and never stops.  Nana Desiree is really fun and plays with me and they let us pick out ice cream.  It was really super fun!

Thought Monsters

The picture of perfection.  I am not a perfectionist. For the most part I am Happy with being me.  But there are times when I just wish I could waive a magic wand and make life simple for my daughter.  Wish I could just tell her that I can make everything perfect and that all will be well.  She is smart, funny, sweet and very caring but has this horrible thought Monster that eats away at her brain.

My daughter deserves the best, deserves perfection.  But what I am trying to teach her I am also learning myself.  "Best"  means so many different things, and there is nothing perfect, all we can do is take one step at a time.  Take the moments as they come, to try to see the sunlight through the cloudy glasses this Monster has decided to share with her.

Right now, moments to her don't matter because more often than not she trapped in this cycle, this circle that won't let her free.  My hope for my daughter is that one day she will see just exactly how amazing she is.  That she is not her thoughts and that her thoughts do not dictate her life.  Too explain something so deep to someone so young is truly a hard bridge to get across.  I want to pull her, push her, coach her, sometimes I just want to scream! I have to remember to take a moment, a minute, to see the path she is walking is a not a path she chosen.  She is fighting to get past it, to get through it, to figure it out. 

As a mommy I don't want to see my baby hurt, I don't want to see her cry.  But as her mommy I realize that for my daughter to become who she is meant to be there has to be hurt, there has to be tears.  There is no perfection, there is no fixing every bump in the road.  Everyone has a path, a journey, a life filled with moments to fight their way through.

I hope that I can be the Mom who gives her kids strength and courage, to know this is their life and their moments and that to laugh, to cry, to hurt, is okay.  I hope I can be the Mom who instills in her children's hearts that it is okay to not be perfect and to not have perfect expectations of life. When they are running full force and get knocked over, I want them to be able to stand up and brush themselves off and start again.  How will they learn this if I just try to make everything perfect?  If I run before them camouflaging life, putting up Taylor Swift posters over every "monster" that dares peak through, what version of life will they have in their minds?   Do I want them to believe that there only rainbows and no storms?

It has become more and more clear to me that I am here to help my daughter, to ensure that she makes it with her head held high, that when all is said and done she can close her eyes and be proud of who she is. The moments where she thinks she can't make it, its my job to hold out my hand and help her up, its not my job is not to sugar coat and paint roses in front of her.  Life is what is, Life is what you make it, your Life is what you build. My job is to raise a strong courageous woman who has conquered and is conquering something so big.  I want my daughter to be proud of the life that she builds.

These three little kids that I look at everyday are teaching me that these are not my moments but their moments, these are their lives and their moments that will build them and shape them into the next generations.  I hope that I can remember this one important lesson: my job as a mother is not perfection.  Being a mother means being there to kiss the scraped knee and remind them just because they fell off their bike doesn't mean they should stop riding.

Happy St. Patricks Day!

Green Milk Mustache

Lucky Charms and Green Milk for Breakfast!

Cuddles after a late night!